"I’d Rather Help a Fellow Man than a Lady, Niko Wrong?": Expert Advises
- A Kenyan man sparked a heated debate online when he stated that it is better to support men than women because males are more likely to return the favor
- He stated that males have a culture of giving back, whereas women rapidly forget about acts of service
- This statement sparked controversy on social media, with some individuals completely agreeing and others dismissing it as an outdated, biased stereotype
A Kenyan man wrote:
"I always tell my friends it's better to help your fellow man than a lady. No offence to the ladies, but men reciprocate in one way or another. Ladies forget an act of service or assistance really quickly. And when you are down, a man you helped will always help you."
Source: Getty Images
Dr Carol Muthoni is a Nairobi-based psychologist and gender expert with over 12 years’ experience in counselling, research, and advocacy.
People reacted differently to the statements. Most of the persons who agreed with the statement were men who talked about how they had assisted women financially or emotionally but then felt abandoned when they were going through terrible times themselves. One person who utilized X stated,
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"If you help a man, he will always remember you when he rises."
Another individual stated,
"Women will praise you today and forget about you tomorrow."
But women struck back, claiming that the anonymous ad was perpetuating gender stereotypes.
"Reciprocity has nothing to do with being male or female. People either appreciate or don't, men can be just as ungrateful," a woman stated.
Someone more wrote:
"This is just another way to make men and women fight instead of dealing with real character issues."
Expert gives their opinion
Dr. Carol Muthoni, a psychologist and gender expert, weighed in on the heated argument to help clarify matters. She told TUKO.co.ke that she disagreed with the premise, arguing that devotion and gratitude cannot be neatly split by gender.
"Gender-based generalizations regarding appreciation or reciprocity are inappropriate. Values, upbringing, and personality all influence how relationships, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, evolve. Some people may not return the favor, but it's wrong to think that all women act that way," she opined.
Dr. Muthoni stated that such broad generalisations, even if spoken carelessly, can have long-term consequences for how people interact with one another.
"These statements may not seem like a huge thing, but they reinforce preconceptions and make it more difficult for people of various genders to form genuine friendships. Men and women can both be devoted, compassionate, and generous. If you argue otherwise, you are forgetting how complex human connections are."
Preventing generalisation
The psychologist also advised Kenyans to judge people based on their individual characteristics rather than making general judgments.
"When deciding who to assist, consider their ideals, integrity, and previous actions. The gender of someone willing to stand with you has little bearing on the situation. Their moral compass is significantly more crucial. When we paint whole groups with the same brush, it's easy to turn away people who could actually improve our lives, she added.
She also advised individuals to think about how they behave in relationships.
"Before you worry about who will help you back, ask yourself if you always help others." She went on to clarify: "Healthy relationships are based on respect and support for each other, not on what people expect of each other based on their gender."
Why is giving and receiving vital in friendships?
According to Dr. Muthoni, giving and receiving are essential components of developing trust in friendships and familial ties. When people believe their kindness is acknowledged, they are more likely to maintain the friendship. Conversely, a lack of reciprocity can result in anger and emotional isolation.
"We all want to be recognized, but we need to be careful about relationships that are based on transactions." "Real friendships grow when support comes naturally, not because of gender roles or expectations," she clarified.
Source: Getty Images
Putting mental and emotional health first
Dr. Muthoni advised individuals to prioritise their mental and emotional health while determining who to support, despite the cacophony on social media.
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She emphasised the need of setting boundaries, learning to say no, and spending time with people who value assisting others.
She explained that believing in these negative preconceptions might lead to a poor attitude toward relationships.
Disclaimer: The advice in this post is general and is not intended to influence readers' feelings about their individual relationships. Before making any major decisions, people should always seek professional guidance that takes their specific circumstances into account.
Want to share a story? Looking for expert advice? Send an email with the subject "Ask The Expert" to askanexpert@tuko.co.ke.
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Source: TUKO.co.ke
